maybe writing will be my outlet?

Sometimes I feel in control and like I can do anything

Like I am strong enough to get through anything, even this

Other times I feel very small

Which makes me feel powerless

Which makes me frustrated.

Sometimes I feel plain angry

I find myself reciting the words life is unfair continuously to myself, monotonously

I cry most often in the shower

The water and shower curtain protect my emotions.

I never cry for very long.

I don’t even think I’ve sobbed once

The cry often manifests itself into a recitation of why, why, why as the hot water hits my body

I say the words silently but move my mouth

Lack of sound but a physical embodiment

Sometimes things happen but the emotion comes later

Like thunder and lightning

Seven years ago I didn’t cry once.

Maybe I knew subconsciously that she was going to get better; that her pain then was only temporary.

In many ways it was

She isn't in any pain now.

It's easier to think it was all temporary, that this state of being is temporary.

Today I was looking over a survey I had recently filled out for school.

With whom do you live with?

I paused.

I deleted Both Parents and changed my answer to One Parent.

I deleted my next four answers.

I always listed her information before his.

Is one parent deceased?

Another pause.

A harder pause.

The question felt targeted and intrusive

The phrasing was off.

The language rude.

I looked at the current No circle filled in.

It was only a month ago that I clicked it absentmindedly and scrolled on.

How clueless I was.

I felt small and powerless and frustrated and angry while at the same time feeling absolutely nothing when staring at my screen.

Blank faced.

A numbness combined with reluctance.

Yes.

words izzy wrote